The Bittersweet Paradox

It's frustrating to me that even though I may have the best intentions of doing the will of God in your life, somehow, it all seems to be thwarted by my own desires and will. I suppose that is the whole point of the refining process, the killing of one's desires and will and replacing them with God's. This quote was encouraging to me.

If a man or woman is called of God, it doesn’t matter how difficult the circumstances may be. God orchestrates every force at work for His purpose in the end. If you will agree with God’s purpose, He will bring not only your conscious level but also all the deeper levels of your life, which you yourself cannot reach, into perfect harmony.

--Oswald Chambers

I hate to even admit this. But here goes...

Sometime last week, I decided it was time to do my laundry. So, I dutifully started putting my clothes through the washer and dryer. My family's almost 5-month-old golden retriever puppy sleeps in our laundry room. Keep that in mind, it's important. Sadly, I got distracted in the course of doing my laundry, which often happens. So, without me really thinking about it, I had a load of wet laundry sitting in the washer for a good 5 days. Bad enough, you say?...Just wait.

Once I finally realized half of my wet wardrobe was sitting in the washer, I ran to get them, hoping they hadn't mildewed beyond repair. Thankfully, I opened the washer and they seemed OK. I ran them through the dryer, and it seemed as though they were no worse for the wear. It would seem...

When I went to put on a pair of jeans which had been in the load in question, they seemed fine at first. I realized, when I got into my car, however, that I smelled suspiciously like my golden retriever puppy. Thinking I just smelled like that from having just petted her, I forgot about it. But the smell WOULDN'T GO AWAY. It was with horror that I realized that my clothes which had been sitting wet in the washer all week had become permeated with golden-retriever-puppy smell. All of my jeans were in this load. I have seriously had to carry a bottle of Febreeze in my car all this week and had to spray myself down before going anywhere where people might be in close vicinity to me...for their own sake.

Maybe this says more about the kind of month I've had (j/k), but this seriously was a highlight. This, my friends, is me holding a 13-week-old black leopard cub (wearing a diaper...you can kinda see it). Soooo cool! A guy from work has a wife (the blonde in the bottom right corner) who takes care of animals from sanctuaries sometimes. He brought this one (her name is Saphire) for everyone to see yesterday. So fun!

A sudden moment of inspiration at Starbucks. Indulge me...

And I don't just mean Christmas. I enjoy Christmas quite a lot. But I LOVE fall. Today feels very fallish. Like I need to go on a hayride. I've never actually been on a hayride, but they're so closely associated with fall that one might help me get in the mood. I'm sitting at my desk at work looking out my window, and it's kind of cloudy and chilly and rainy. Just like fall. And I'm listening to the newest Coldplay CD which has very melancholy lyrics and goes perfectly with today. I am very content right now.

We had a great thunder storm last night. It really was fabulous. The lightning was fierce and powerful. It was quite a light show. It made me think about the power of God. As majestic and even fearsome as the lightning was, God created it. What does that say about God's majesty, ferocity and power? It's the same God we've got working in and through our lives. Kinda puts things in perspective.

I hate Enya. Really, I do. I have to call this place at work all the time, and their hold music is Enya. Did I mention that I hate Enya? I'm sitting here at my desk, on hold with Independence Medical, writing this post and listening to Enya. I HATE ENYA!

Sometimes I complain.

Have you ever found yourself staring out the window when you know your desk is piled with work you could be doing? I really hope it's not just me who does this. I sit in a large room for an office with three other people and a window directly in front of me. It's a temptation. I suppose I'm lucky to have a window out of which to stare.

Watching the clouds drift past seems to entertain my eyes much more than the endless prescriptions and client referral forms which pass over my desk...or maybe my brain needs a moment to space out every once in a while. Or maybe (probably) it's just a way to avoid doing work. Kind of like writing this post:).

Tell me I'm not alone here...

Last night at Bible study we had a great discussion. Marni was talking about how she doesn't think it's Godly to be a doormat. I whole-heartedly agree. Whose life do we turn to when we need to see examples of how to act? Jesus, of course.

Interesting thing is, Jesus allowed himself to be taken advantage of. Maybe that's not the right way to put it. He took people whose intentions were to take advantage of him, and he used that not as an opportunity "not to be a doormat" and assert his rights, but he took the opportunity to love them and tell them what they needed to hear, whether that was a rebuke or what they needed was to hear that they were forgiven.

Because Jesus was constantly filling himself with God, he never became completely tapped out. Tired, yes. Frustrated, yes. Angry, definitely. But never these things out of sinful selfishness. He was these things only out of righteousness because God filled Him completely. When Jesus became angry in the temple, it wasn't because he was having an "off day" and needed to vent. It was because he was angry at the disregard shown to His Father's house. Maybe the reason Jesus let himself be "taken advantage of" (still not sure if that's the best way to put it), was because he didn't seek these same people to fill some sort of emotional need in him, because all of his were met, and so therefore he had limitless reserves of grace and peace and forgiveness to offer to them.

So, maybe the point is not so much to make sure your rights are respected. Maybe it's more about the needs of the other person and making sure along the way that you are being filled by God's Spirit constantly and completely.

I just spent the last hour or so doing my best to compose a soul-bearing post with which I was almost finished until I started messing around with it and somehow deleted the whole thing. Really annoying. Really, really annoying. And now, it's too late to try to recreate it. I suppose I'll just go to bed. Sheesh...

Do you ever feel like a selfish clot of a person? Just lately, with so much going on everywhere, with so many people so close in so much suffering, and all I can think about are my fleeting concerns.

The "My Utmost for His Highest" devotion for today was very convicting. It talked about people being like the Dead Sea, stagnant and life-sapping....receiving blessing but never giving in return. I don't want to be like that, but so often I find myself so concerned with my own cares that I fail to notice anything else going on around me. Chambers goes on to talk about the river of living water all believers should and can be.

I'm sorry, Lord. Show me how I can help.

Must...have...creative...outlet...will...soon...cease...function...

Powering...down.........

My job is a fun one, for the most part. It can be a little boring, but it definitely has its perks. We have lunch on the company twice a week or so, get treats on Friday afternoons, and have a generally fun time selling people things to help them urinate (I sell catheters). I once had a conversation with a man looking for erectile dysfunction supplies. Oh, the conversation that ensued...I will laugh about that until I die. While it's not exactly the dream I had for my life, it's definitely a good thing to be doing for now.

One of these "perks", however, is the cursed candy drawer in the break room. I find myself going back there to "get some water" much more often than being well-hydrated requires. Our dutiful receptionist keeps it stocked with things I just don't need to have constant access to. Seriously...it's an entire drawer full of nothing but chocolate. I've heard that if a man sees a beautiful woman in a grocery store, he will be constantly aware of her presence, always looking down all the aisles to get another glimpse of her. Is it wrong that I have the same level of awareness with the chocolate drawer?