The Bittersweet Paradox

Hey, all (the word all assumes that there's more than one person left reading this blog)--

I felt inspired to write today. Not quite sure why. At the very least I can update you guys with what's going on in my life. I'm staying here in Chicago after my internship is over. I'm moving in a week or so to a new place in Elgin. Not that Elgin means too much to any of you guys. You all should know, however, that it is a loft apartment, and that I am excited about it. I have always day dreamed about living in a loft. Even though I won't have much money to furnish said loft, I think it should be pretty fun to live there. The purpose of moving to this loft in Elgin is to participate in this new thing Willow has going called "missional community." That's a fancy way of saying "taking Christ to your neighbors." Not too sure to expect from this, but I think it's gonna be cool. I'm excited. The new blogger format is pissing me off and not letting me do hyperlinks. So, I'll just type out the address of the blog for the particular community I'll be participating in. Check it out if you get the chance.
www.elginmissionalcommunity.blogspot.com

As far as what I'll be doing while I'm staying here, I have no idea as of yet. Which makes me sad. And, frankly, a little mad too. I'm at the very least disappointed that it appears I'll be deferring whatever plans I've had for going into ministry vocationally, although even that isn't certain as of yet. I'll keep you all posted.

My life of late has been surreal. That's really the only word for it. I have to remind myself every morning when I wake up that I am living the life I am living. That's a weird place to be. Nothing feels right. I've given up on simple answers for complex problems. Normally, I would remind myself of God's faithfulness, or the fact that all things work out for good for those who love the Lord. It's not that I don't believe those things anymore. I do. It's just that those responses feel trite and minimizing. I'm not sure where to go from here or what to do with myself. I really just want to disappear for a while. But, with bills due and responsibilities to attend to, that isn't possible. I'm mad about that too.

And I'm tired. Tired of the same old everything. The same old patterns played out over and over ad nauseum. Tired of how hard it is to change these patterns. Tired of lassoing God into being what I want him to be. Just tired.

I visited a city recently where I worked and lived a couple years ago. I caught up with a couple friends over dinner, and while I loved seeing them and catching up, they seemed firmly in the modernist camp of Christian living. No unanswerable questions. No problems too big for a quick word of advice. They meant well, and it doesn't affect how much I care about them, but I walked away reminded of where I came from. If there's one thing I've learned in the last year, it's that the quick fixes are the ones that don't work and that I don't know nearly as much as I thought I did.

And so, I am stuck. Confused about just about everything. With the rug of this internship about to be yanked out from underneath me. Without a clear direction as to where to go. Without anything to cling to but the promise of God's provision.

I need help.