The Bittersweet Paradox

About what, I'm not sure. A lot has been bottled up over my life, and I need outlets for it. There has been A LOT going on in my brain over the last several months. I haven't had the impetus to do much other than read, and for the first time (ever, really), I've been OK with that. Other than getting up and going to work, I haven't forced myself to do anything other than what I have the energy for; which, admittedly, has not been much. Hedonistic, you say? Maybe.

I think it has more to do with being tired. So very, very tired. Tired of duty and obligation. Tired of that which should be most life-giving (my "relationship" with God) actually being one of the primary reasons I have been so sapped of strength and vitality. I put the word relationship above in quotes, because I don't know if I would totally quantify it as a relationship. I don't think it's possible to have a relationship with a set of rules. Come to find out, that's how I've been relating to God all this time. I had boxed him up in this neat little package of "make sure you don't do this" and "you must do this every day without fail" and called it a relationship. And so, I am tired.

I also don't think it's possible to have a relationship with a book. Some of you know where this is heading. First, let me say that I love the Bible. It is truly God's holy, inspired word. But so many Christians check their daily Bible reading off their "list of things to do to become a better Christian" and call it a relationship. Then they wonder why God feels far away.

I'm learning that relationships with God cannot be so easily defined. That is hard for so many of us. I'm learning to live in the tension. Recently, my conditioned brain shouts at me to do more, and I can only respond with a glazed over stare. I am simply too tired. And I believe that that is where God wants me right now. He is letting me come to the end of my invented list of stuff that I have always felt as if I had to do in order to be in good standing with Him.

I'm excited to want to pick up the Bible. I'm not quite there yet. So, I'm not making myself. I'm giving myself grace to be tired, and I believe God is here with me in that.

I'm redefining for myself everything I've ever known to be true. I'm learning who I really am, who the Alex is that God has created. The weird thing is, I've forced myself to be so many things in my life, I don't even know who that is going to end up being. Probably another source of my existential exhaustion.

I'm excited to see the freedom on the other side of all this. But, right now, I'm still tired.