The Bittersweet Paradox

Life as a Christian for me has been hard the past few months. I feel like God has asked me to do some hard things, things I have NOT wanted to do. And I've done them, but not very joyfully. It really wasn't very willingly either. Had I not felt relentlessly compelled by the Holy Spirit, I wouldn't have done any of it. Period. And I feel as though I've been obedient in some of the huge things God has asked of me. But this joy and peace we're promised as Christ followers has not always accompanied these hard things. It's relieved the heavy hand of conviction I've experienced, but it kinda makes me want to hide from God. It makes me worry that the next time I pray, He's going to make me do something hard again; and, frankly, I'm tired of having to do these hard things.

I read a quote on my friend Shannon's blog and it REALLY got me thinking. Maybe it'll do the same for you.

If we are running towards righteousness or Christian maturity, do we not miss the joy of running towards Christ?

It makes me wonder if I'm being obedient for the sake of being obedient. I know I'm supposed to obey and so I do, but for no other reason than to be able to say that, darn it, I've been obedient. Because, believe me, this has been joyless.

It makes me think that even though I am a Christian, that even though I love God and want to do His will and see His kingdom come, that my focus is somewhat skewed. I should be following Christ, running after Him. Not obedience. Or righteousness or Christian maturity. What is the joy in gaining those things if we haven't gained Christ? I want to know Christ.

I first read this on Shannon's blog and have been pondering it ever since. It makes you think, no?

But then I also think that the two concepts aren't mutually exclusive eiterh, and that just b/c you're running towards righteousness that you can't also be running towards Christ. Christ is righteousness afterall.

Still pondering,
~~Becki