The Bittersweet Paradox

Appropriate for Valentine's Day. So, there's been a swarm of blog postings on the subject of late, and I figured I'd better weigh in on the subject before the moment has passed. And I've waited so long to post my opinions that the moment almost has. I've waited purposely. I wanted to sort out my thoughts on the issue and question some beliefs I've held. That takes time, I suppose.

I haven't dated much. I kinda like it that way. For me, dating is the first step in a potential relationship. I know there are some who don't necessarily see it that way. I figure that if you want to "get to know someone better" there are ample opportunities to do that within the context of friendship, before you start to express romantic interest in someone by asking them out. Once you ask someone out, (and sometimes even before) emotions get involved, and that's where things start getting complicated. At least that's the case for me. That's one of the things I've been a little embarrassed to admit to myself in the last couple weeks. I'd love to pretend to be someone who is aloofly emotionally detached from dating situations, able to move in and out of them at will, but I'm just not. That's one of the conclusions I've come to in the last couple weeks. For me, dating is more serious than just hanging out with someone. I want to have fun while dating, but it is so much more to me than having fun.

To me, dating is the method in which we find the person God has sent us to spend the rest of our lives with. Have you ever heard the saying "Careful who you date because you never know who you'll fall in love with"? That is why dating, in my mind, is much more than dinner and a movie with a boy you find cute. Dating becomes inappropriate once God has shown you that that person is not someone you should marry. I run the risk of sounding like Glenn Close from "Fatal Attraction" here, and I realize that. But, hear me out. Before I even start developing interest in someone, ideally, I try to pray about that person and ask myself if they have the qualities I would want to see in a future spouse. I've historically been a pretty good judge of character, and I don't need to go out on dates with someone to determine if they have certain qualities I'm looking for. If they don't, I take them out of my mind as someone I would potentially date. Once in a dating relationship, if I find that this is not someone I would marry, it's time for things to end. Once I have started to let myself have feelings for someone, it is very difficult to be objective about the situation, even if someone I'm dating starts to show qualities I would not want to see in a future spouse. That is why I must be choosy when dating. Once the feelings start coming, it is infinitely more difficult to detach myself from that person if I start to perceive that that needs to happen.


My advice to someone who's approach to dating is different from mine:

Be careful with the other person. You may have a more casual approach to dating. That is fine! But please realize that the person you are dating may not. Girls hate to admit this, (I know I do) but a lot of them are emotional, feeling driven individuals. BE CAREFUL WITH THEM! Once mutual romantic interest is expressed, the person you are dating may have a very difficult time turning feelings off if the time comes when that needs to happen. You may have an easier time doing that. But again, please realize that the other person may not have that ability.

Disclaimer: I don't presume to speak for anyone else here. These are my own views and observations on the subject. I more than realize that some will disagree with this. I also realize that there are many with a more casual approach who will be just as God-honoring in their dating relationships. But, as far as my own personality and preferences go, in an ideal situation, this is how I have to do it.