The Bittersweet Paradox

Hey, all (the word all assumes that there's more than one person left reading this blog)--

I felt inspired to write today. Not quite sure why. At the very least I can update you guys with what's going on in my life. I'm staying here in Chicago after my internship is over. I'm moving in a week or so to a new place in Elgin. Not that Elgin means too much to any of you guys. You all should know, however, that it is a loft apartment, and that I am excited about it. I have always day dreamed about living in a loft. Even though I won't have much money to furnish said loft, I think it should be pretty fun to live there. The purpose of moving to this loft in Elgin is to participate in this new thing Willow has going called "missional community." That's a fancy way of saying "taking Christ to your neighbors." Not too sure to expect from this, but I think it's gonna be cool. I'm excited. The new blogger format is pissing me off and not letting me do hyperlinks. So, I'll just type out the address of the blog for the particular community I'll be participating in. Check it out if you get the chance.
www.elginmissionalcommunity.blogspot.com

As far as what I'll be doing while I'm staying here, I have no idea as of yet. Which makes me sad. And, frankly, a little mad too. I'm at the very least disappointed that it appears I'll be deferring whatever plans I've had for going into ministry vocationally, although even that isn't certain as of yet. I'll keep you all posted.

My life of late has been surreal. That's really the only word for it. I have to remind myself every morning when I wake up that I am living the life I am living. That's a weird place to be. Nothing feels right. I've given up on simple answers for complex problems. Normally, I would remind myself of God's faithfulness, or the fact that all things work out for good for those who love the Lord. It's not that I don't believe those things anymore. I do. It's just that those responses feel trite and minimizing. I'm not sure where to go from here or what to do with myself. I really just want to disappear for a while. But, with bills due and responsibilities to attend to, that isn't possible. I'm mad about that too.

And I'm tired. Tired of the same old everything. The same old patterns played out over and over ad nauseum. Tired of how hard it is to change these patterns. Tired of lassoing God into being what I want him to be. Just tired.

I visited a city recently where I worked and lived a couple years ago. I caught up with a couple friends over dinner, and while I loved seeing them and catching up, they seemed firmly in the modernist camp of Christian living. No unanswerable questions. No problems too big for a quick word of advice. They meant well, and it doesn't affect how much I care about them, but I walked away reminded of where I came from. If there's one thing I've learned in the last year, it's that the quick fixes are the ones that don't work and that I don't know nearly as much as I thought I did.

And so, I am stuck. Confused about just about everything. With the rug of this internship about to be yanked out from underneath me. Without a clear direction as to where to go. Without anything to cling to but the promise of God's provision.

I need help.

I think I was tagged to do this at some point. So, here ya go.

1. I set many irrational and unattainable goals for myself, thus setting myself up for failure. (See: become world famous opera singer, visit every country on the planet, keep my room clean).

2. I'm developing a number of eccentric interests of an artistic nature (orchids, stained glass, oil painting).

3. My blankets and sheets must be completely orderly before I can sleep in them. And I barely move when I sleep, so they are still orderly when I wake up in the morning. I also like to be surrounded by masses of pillows when I sleep.

4. I am at various stages of completion with about 7 different books right now.

5. Sometimes I form lines of prose in my head describing whatever scene I happen to be observing.

6. My brain latches onto random busy tasks and constantly performs them without me actively thinking about them (typing words on a keyboard made of air, spelling words in international phonetic alphabet, figuring out whatever melody is running through my head and spelling it in solfege, playing said melodies on a pretend keyboard, analyzing the pitch of someone's speech).

I'm weird.

Check it out.

I've seen this for a while and I've been wanting to do this, and now I have. Hopefully, it will inspire me to start living my life.

Truly hilarious.

I'm still trying to figure out what the ideas expressed here look like for me in my life, but I was struck with how succinctly this describes what the life of a Christian would ideally look like.

Christians

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'."
I'm whispering "I was lost,
Now I'm found and forgiven."

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble
and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak
And need His strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not bragging of success.
I'm admitting I have failed
And need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible
But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I still feel the sting of pain.
I have my share of heartaches
So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian"
I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner
Who received God's good grace, somehow.

Maya Angelou

Check this out.



Notice the traumatized kitten in the background. Scarred for life.

For our staff Christmas party, we wrote poems for each other. I thought I would share mine at the request of one, Mr. Scott Rubin. And because I think it's funny. Thanks, Jason, for a very funny tribute:)

Oklahoma is where Alex Scott is from
It isn't a land of trees nor cliffs nor shores
But a land of wind, red dirt and mistletoe
Make sure you listen real good and always say please

Gracious, wonderful and delightful
Big bright smiles and "How are you?"
Describe this wonderful gift from God
To us for the entire year here

You blessed the Raitz family and our dog
By staying at our house while we traveled to Detroit
We can't thank you enough and wish we could thank you more
I really wish I could buy you a tank to just say thank you

Dare I utter the words Breakaway Party
Because if I do a riot of happiness will break out
You rocked the house and made us all go wow
I really wish we could buy you a tank to just say thank you

I think this poem is coming to a close
But please know you are making a difference
And I am thankful I get to be on your team
As you love God passionately and others selflessly.